The Bound by the Moon Arc
by Rebecca the Great
Summary: Includes the fics: Enough, Coward, Moonlight, and Knife. THIS IS M/M SLASH!! Nothing explicit, Sirius/Remus pairing. Angst? Maybe a little... ^_~
1. Enough

Author's Note: Ok this fic requires an open mind and please note that all flames will have no effect accept to make me angry, which only encourages me to write more. This fic isn't meant for kids under 13 or the extremely-easily offended.  
  
ENOUGH  
  
  
Remus yawned widely upon entering the Gryffindor common room, shutting the portrait behind him. It was dimly lit by a single fire at the far end near the staircase to the boys' dormitories. He headed towards the stairs quietly, not that he had any energy to make noise. Three hours of practicing some advanced Defence Against Dark Arts spells with his professor, he was so tired he felt he might fall asleep while he was walking.  
  
* I hadn't expected that creating a Patronus would be so draining * he thought out as he stifled another yawn.  
  
He was almost to the stairs when he noticed a still form in a chair next to the fire. Curious, he decided to investigate before going up to sleep. The chair had been pulled up next to a table that was laden with books and scrolls. The person in the chair had several books open on his lap, but was obviously sleeping. His black mane of untamable hair hung over his closed ebony eyes and handsome face. He looked completely at peace, the faintest suggestion of a smile on his lips.  
  
Remus felt a small smile of his own pull at his lips.  
  
* How like you, Sirius, to wait till the very last moment to write a two-scroll report. *  
  
He stood there watching his sleeping friend, who never looked that angelic when he was awake, entranced by the sheer saturnine beauty of him, watching the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed deeply and rhythmically. He felt a familiar elation mixed with depression rise withing him. He longed to take him into his arms and kiss him, to tell him how much he'd loved him for so long.  
  
But as he reached out to do just that, he froze. He knew that he never could, and never would be able to. The depression overwhelmed the elation and it becamed tinged with self-loathing.  
  
* WHY? *  
  
He'd asked that question to himself for the past three years, ever since he'd started feeling like this. It's not like he'd asked for it. He'd tried denying this part of himself. He'd tried to have girlfriends, but they hadn't helped or lasted long. He was frustrated that he couldn't help it. He'd been raised to dissaprove of this very thing, as he was sure most of the wizarding world was, if not the whole world. And who would want to be in unrequited love in the first place, much less love that would make everyone hate you for no better reason than "It's not what most other people like." He himself didn't see the point to such thinking, but that didn't make it any easier.  
  
Not to mention that Sirius, who had the female population of the school at his feet, had no clue about Remus's true feeling towards him. And it would stay that way, if Remus had any say about it. He valued their friendship more than his own life, and if Sirius had ever found out it would almost certainly mean the end of it. At best his friend would pity him, at worst he'd be shocked and revolted.  
  
* They'd all hate you if they knew, * Remus thought bleakly. * The wizarding world is insulated from homosexuals, and most despise them as they do werewolves. And I'm both. *  
  
Through his anguish he realized that his hands were still outstretched toward Sirius.  
  
* He's so beautiful. *  
  
And he was. Remus was taken out of his depression for a moment as he gazed at the thin, wirey youth in front of him. He couldn't help it. He reached out a trembling hand and tenderly brushed the raven tendrils off of the handsome face. Sirius didn't stir, but the smile widened slightly. Remus could almost pretend that it was just for him.  
  
"Oh, Sirius, if only..." he said under his breath.  
  
He drew back. He really should be getting some sleep. But Sirius had to finish his essay. He took him by the shoulders and shook him awake. When he came to, he gave Remus ferrel grin.  
  
"Asleep on the job, Padfoot?" Remus asked in a light tone he did not feel in his heart as Sirius yawned and stretched languidly.  
  
"Thanks for waking me," he said in a voice husky with sleep. "Binns will flunk me for sure if I don't get this done. What're you doing up so late?"  
  
"I just got back from reseaching my term paper in DADA," Remus explained.  
  
"Ah. Then I bet you're too tired to help me out with this," Sirius said but he gave his lycanthropic friend a hopeful look. No matter how tired he was, there was no way Remus could resist that look.  
  
"No, I'm not tired. What do you need help with?"  
  
Sirius gave a relieved sigh, and proceded to ennumerate his various troubles. Remus listened patiently, and concentrated on not staring at him.  
  
* He'll never love me. But if I can just be his friend, maybe that's enough. *  
  
Sirius was giving him another wild grin. He returned it and felt his breath catch a little in his throat.  
  
* It'll have to be enough. * 


	2. Coward

Author's Note: Ok, I wrote this to continue my fic Enough. It takes place the summer afetr GoF, and Sirius and all those people Dumbledore said to get are at Remus's house. Gratuitous flashback ahead. ^_^   
  
Disclaimer: I forgot this in my last one, but I don't own any characters or places or anything. The storyline is mine, and no flames please. Actually, I like this storyline, and seeing as how flames only inspire me to write more, I say flame away! It'll only bring another part to the story! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  
  
  
Sirius peered into the clear depths of the crystal ball, trying to make his third eye (whatever that was) open. All he accomplished was feeling a bit foolish for being so desperate. He sighed tiredly and rubbed his temples. Two hours of trying to scry with the crystal only brought on a head-ache and more worries about Harry.  
  
* Poor kid, all alone with those Muggles. I wish Dumbledore would let me take him here. I *am* his godfather after all. *  
  
He brooded over that, but eventually just sighed.  
  
* Dumbledore said he's safer there, and I trust his judgement. I'm just worried about him. *  
  
He sipped his coffee and began looking for parchment, ink, and a quill. He had to do things quietly or the whole house would awake. The clock on the wall said it was nearly three in the morning. He considered waiting until after he'd gotten some sleep, but decided against it.  
  
*I won't sleep if I don't write it now. Like I'll sleep anyway. *  
  
Being in the same house with Remus again brought up some old feelings he'd almost hoped he'd quashed completely. When he'd met up with his old friend a year ago after escaping from Azkaban, he really hadn't noticed any of his old feelings. Then again, he'd been the tiniest bit preoccupied with killing Pettigrew, then Remus turned into a werewolf, then he himself had ben captured by the Ministry of Magic, and finally he was helped to escape by Harry and Hermione. There hadn't really been much time for soul-searching or reflections of his true feelings.  
  
* I don't even know my true feelings for Remus. It's complicated. * He sighed again. This wasn't the time. He had a letter to write.  
  
Just as he was putting the inky quill to the parchment, a slightly hoarse voice interrupted him.  
  
"You look like hell," Remus Lupin said as he stood in the kitchen doorway. He was wearing the same shabby robes he'd been wearing that day, but they were more wrinkled and his grey-streaked hair was ruffled. He had dark circles under his eyes and looked like he was ready to faint from exhaustion.  
  
"Thanks, Moony," Sirius said sarcastically, putting the quill down. "I could say the same thing about you. Couldn't sleep?"  
  
"No. I've got too many things on my mind," Remus told him as he poured himself some coffee and sat down next to him. "What are you writing?"  
  
"A letter to Harry. Thought I'd see if he was doing all right."  
  
Remus glanced at the crystal ball on the table, then gave him an amused look. He flushed slightly, knowing how foolish everyone but Sibyl Trelawney must think him.  
  
"Arabella lent it to me. Couldn't hurt to try," he said sheepishly.  
  
"I understand. I worry about him, too. Has he written since school got out?"  
  
Sirius shook his head and stared into his coffee mug. He swirled it with one hand, staring at the steam as a worried frown found its way onto his face. Remus reached out and covered his free hand on the table with long slender fingers. Confused though not really surprised, Sirius looked up to meet warm but tired brown eyes. He froze and couldn't help but remember...  
  
  
He woke all at once to fingers gently brushing his bangs away from his forehead. He was too surprised to do anything but lay there pretending to be asleep. It actually felt kind of nice, but he tried to keep his expression from changing.  
  
"Oh, Sirius, if only..." came a familiar voice, one that surprised him even more.  
  
* Remus? What does he think he's doing? *  
  
He was confused. His heart was beginning to beat faster for no apparent reason, and the fingers caressing his forehead suddenly became his whole world. But suddenly the contact ended. He heard Remus hesitate, the he was beeing shaken awake. He pretended to awaken, then grinned up at his friend.  
  
"Asleep on the job, Padfoot?" Remus asked, his tone light but sounding forced to Sirius.  
  
"Thanks for waking me. Binns will flunk me for sure if I don't get this done," he said, stretching. "What're you doing up so late?"  
  
"I just got back from researching my term paper in DADA," came the answer.  
  
"Ah. Then a bet you're too tired to help me out with this," he said, but gave a hopeful look that had melted female hearts for him. He wondered why he was doing that, seeing as how Remus was one of his best friends, not to mention a guy. But he wanted him to be with him for some reason that was misty and unformed.  
  
"No, I'm not tired. What do you need help with?" Remus said as he plunked down in the chair across from him. Sirius sighed as he watched the fluid movement.  
  
* He really is attractive. *  
  
The thought came out of nowhere, and he realized that Remus was waiting for him to start. He just made up some problems, really just looking at the boy across from him who wouldn't meet his eyes. When he was done, he gave his best grin. Remus finally met his eyes and returned the smile, but it was tainted with a melancholy that made Sirius want to hug him and tell him that everything would be all right. But he didn't. He just sat in his chair, trying not to think about why his heart sped up whenever he glanced at him.  
  
  
Sirius had been confused about that night for long time. He'd thought about it now and again in Azkaban, hating himself for his inaction. He felt he should've done something or said something, just so he could close the matter. For a time he had convinced himself he'd been imagining it all, all the small sidelong glances from Remus, all the times Remus had gone out of his way to do things for him, all the secret smiles that played on Remus's lips when he thought Sirius couldn't see. Before Lily and James had died, he thought it'd been suspicious, and that Remus was doing it so no one would think he was really Voldemort's spy. He hadn't trusted his own feelings for the werewolf, and might even have suspected him because of the way he felt.  
  
But everything had changed now. Now he was in Remus's kitchen, staring into his love's eyes, and feeling very unsure of himself.  
  
* I love him. But does he love me? Did he ever? Or was it just all a flight of fancy? *  
  
* Only one way to find out. You've got to ask him. *  
  
"Remus..." he began, but broke off, unsure how to continue.  
  
"What is it, Sirius?" Remus asked, genuine concern in his voice and his hand tightening slightly around Sirius's.  
  
Tingles ran up his arm. He transferred his gaze from those big brown eyes to their hands on the table. Slowly he turned his hand over to grip Remus's. He squeezed it slightly, and massaged the palm with his thumb. Remus didn't pull away, which made Sirius both elated and frightened.  
  
"I just wanted to tell you that I . . . really appreciate everything you've done for me. You've been the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I know I haven't." He wanted to kick himself. This wasn't going to come out the way he thought it would.  
  
"That's not true. I could never have made it this far without you."  
  
Was it just him, or was the air in the room getting thicker? He was suddenly aware of how near they were to each other. He could lean over right then and kiss all the words away. Maybe that would be easier. He looked up again, meeting Remus's eyes and seeing undiluted raw love and longing in them, mirrors of his own. It frightened him to observe such potent emotions directed at him. It frightened him more than he thought possible. He couldn't say it now. He couldn't do anything except stare with shock.  
  
A sudden tapping at the window broke the spell. Both men jumped at the noise, jerking their hands away from each other as if they were being burned. Sirius got up and let in the small brown owl. It landed on a chair back and Remus untied the package from it's feet. Sirius paid it and it flew out again.  
  
"Who's it for?" Sirius asked, unable to stand the silence.  
  
"Mundungus Fletcher," Remus said, then yawned broadly. He paused, casting an uninterpretable look at him. He cleared his throat. "Well, I think I'll go up to bed. I'm very tired."  
  
"Ah," Sirius said intelligently, feeling the tension in the room heavy on his mind. "I think I'll do the same."  
  
"What about your letter?"  
  
"It can wait till the morning."  
  
"Oh. Well, then."  
  
There was another odd pause. Remus glanced at Sirius, then turned and began to walk out.  
  
"Remus..."  
  
"Yes?" the man turned sharply to face him, a yearning expression on his face.  
  
"Sleep well."  
  
Remus gave him a sad smile.  
  
"Thank you, I will."  
  
With that Sirius was left alone in the kitchen with nothing but his own cowardice to keep him company.  
  
  
  
Another Author's Note: Wow that took longer than I thought it would. Please review, and tell the truth. Do you think Sirius was OOC? I didn't mean for it to turn out like this, but let me explain a bit. Sirius was in Azkaban being tortured with his own insecurities and faults for 12 years or so, and now he has a subconscious feeling that he doesn't deserve love because for so long all he saw was his worst. I know it sounds like that's just some pop-psychology BS that I just made up, but believe it or not I didn't. Anyway, pretty please review. @_@ ---(More puppy eyes) 


	3. Moonlight

Author's Note: Hey all! Here's the third part. Hope you all think it's as good as the first two. And if you're going to flame me, please at least try to be eloquent in your comments, and if you can't manage that, try being polite (or just shutting up). Or make an intelligent objection (example: Firecross) with reasons other that "EWWWW!" My muses feed off of both postitive and negative comments, and like writing things just to spite those people who write stupid pointless negative reviews. (You know, the ones that are just a whole bunch of insults and going EWWWW!!!) Anywho, on with the story! ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, J.K. Rowling does, and I'm so evil for using them.   
  
  
  
Remus couldn't sleep. Three days had gone by since the incident in the kitchen, and he couldn't get Sirius out of his mind. The sad, frightened look on the black-haired man's face as Remus walked out of the room tormented him every time he closed his eyes. The last thing he'd wanted to do was to hurt Sirius, and yet that's what he'd done. That's what he was still doing. That was why they were avoiding each other, which was hard to do in the two-story farmhouse. (Remus had chosen it because of it's isolation rather than risk biting someone when he changed.)  
  
The tension in the house was horrible to bear. Even the cheerfully oblivious Mundungus Fletcher had finally noticed how the air seemed to thicken when Remus and Sirius were in the same room together. The latter was looking more stressed than ever, with circles under his eyes, and he hadn't been to a meal since that night. Remus also noticed that the haunted, depressed look that he'd had since he'd escaped from Azkaban was returning.  
  
* It never really left. But it was fading slowly. Now suddenly it's back as if he's just been captured by dementors again. *  
  
Remus shuddered at the thought. He didn't think he could bear losing Sirius again. He sat up in bed, his breathing harsh from fighting a wave of emotions he didn't want to have to deal with right now.  
  
* It's suffocating in here. I need some fresh air. *  
  
He got out of bed and changed out of his pajamas into the robes he'd been wearing that day along with some comfortable boots. He tiptoed down the hallway so's not to wake the occupants of the three other upstairs bedrooms, then when cautiously down the stairs, and snuck out the back door. He sighed with relief as a cool summer breeze caressed his face. He hadn't realized how hot the house was until now that he was outside.  
  
It was a beautiful night. As he walked leisurely through his backyard past his fenced-off garden of magical herbs, the wind brought the scents of heather and wild meadow grass as the few trees around the house shivered their leaves. The sky was blue-black with a waxing half-moon surrounded by diamond stars. The light was enough to see by, and the sound of crickets rang in his ears. Fireflies flew up in front of him as he walked into the meadow and he paused to watch until he lost them among the stars.  
  
"Nice night."  
  
Startled, Remus spun. Sirius was standing a few feet away in wrinkled robes. His skin was pallid in the moonlight in sharp contrast to his hair. Sharp shadows hooded his eyes from view, but a faint ghost of a grin passed over his lips briefly as he watched Remus jump.  
  
"Yeah, it is," Remus said in what he hoped was an amicable tone. "Couldn't sleep either?"  
  
"No. Then I heard you leave and thought I'd see where you were going. You don't mind, do you?"  
  
"No."  
  
Sirius nodded and walked up to his side. He looked up at the moon. Remus saw his eyes, looking liquid in the silver light. They were uninterpretable at the moment. He followed his gaze. They stood there in silence, but it wasn't like the uncomfortable ones they'd had in the house.  
  
"When I was in Azkaban," Sirius began out of no where, "there was a window in my cell. It was very small and high up, and there were bars and spells on it, but it let in the light. Every once in a while I would see the moon through it. It made me think of you."  
  
Remus glanced sidelong at him. He knew that this was how he would remember Sirius for the rest of his life. He memorized the play of light and shadows on his profile, the way his eyes glimmered, the way his hair fell just so over his forehead. Remus had the urge to place an arm around his shoulders, but remembering what result the last physical contact they'd made had done, he supressed it.  
  
"I thought of you often when you were in Azkaban."  
  
Sirius snorted, somewhere between disbelief and self-derision.  
  
"Probably cursing my name for betraying Lily and James, and then for killing Pettigrew and all those innocents."  
  
"I could never curse your name."  
  
"But you believed I was the traitor," Sirius accused softly.  
  
Sirius looked at him. Their eyes met. Remus saw the raw gut-twisting guilt, the fear, the self-loathing, the loneliness that was the result of being in Azkaban for so long in those obsidian orbs. He wondered vaguely if Sirius could see the love and comfort he was offering in his own. He tried to resist the action, but it hurt too much to just stand there and do nothing. Throwing all caution to the wind, Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius just below the shoulder.  
  
"At the time I did. But now I know the truth. It wasn't your fault, Sirius."  
  
The raven-tressed man turned away. Remus gripped his arm and spun him so they we face to face. He captured Sirius's gaze. He needed to know if he was getting through to him or not, and the eyes would be the give away.  
  
"It wasn't your fault."  
  
He shook his head, trying to look away, but Remus reached out a hand and cupped his cheek so he couldn't.  
  
"It wasn't your fault."  
  
His friend looked panicked now. He wrenched himself out of Remus's grip and began to walk away. He stopped suddenly. He gasped and his shoulders shook.  
  
"Damn you, Remus," he said, his voice cracking.  
  
Remus crossed over to him quickly and wrapped him in a tight hug. Sirius clung to him like a drowning man clinging to a life-preserver. Remus felt him shudder, heard his irregular rasping breath. He stood strong, being the anchor his friend need now.  
  
"It wasn't yor fault," he repeated over and over into his ear until the man had calmed. Finally Sirius pulled away slowly. Remus let him go, smothering his relutance. Once again they locked stares.   
  
* No tears... * he noted dimly in the back of his mind.  
  
Remus saw that the haunted look had faded again, and the guilt, fear, and selt-hatred was replaced by new emotions. Could they be what Remus hoped they were? Sirius drew breath to speak. Remus's heart leapt higher. Was he going to say what he'd dreamed of hearing?  
  
"Thank you."  
  
* No. * he thought with a sad smile. * Of course not. *  
  
"What are friends for?" he responded, not noticing how 'friends' came out sounding bitter.   
  
He began to walk past Sirius, planning on going back to his room in the house. But Sirius reached out and grabbed him as he went by. Suddenly he found himself being pressed up against Sirius and kissed full on the mouth. He was too surprised to react, he just stood there stupidly, his heart pounding and tingles running up and down his spine. But it was over before he could even get over his shock. Sirius pulled back looking ashamed.  
  
"I'm sorry - I thought - I - you - " he stammered, flushing deeply. "I wasn't thinking - "  
  
Remus put long slender finger to his love's lips to silence him, then took it away as he leaned closer so that their lips were nearly touching.  
  
"It's all right," he whispered, hardly daring to believe it. It was intoxicating, being this near to him, feeling his breath, inhaling his unique scent.  
  
"I-it is?"  
  
In answer, Remus closed the gap between them. It was the most wonderful thing he had ever experienced, his heart fluttering in his chest as they shared their breaths. Sirius's hands came to rest gently, almost timidly, on his hips as he entwined his arms about the dark-haired man's neck. Finally it was necessary to break away, but neither did it very willingly. Remus looked into Sirius's eyes again as he tried to catch his breath.  
  
"I love you."  
  
The words had fallen out before he could stop them. Fearing what he might see, he looked away, only to find Sirius gripping his face as he'd done to him only a few moments before. Black abysses bored into his eyes, startling him with the love they held. Sirius smiled his widest most untamed smile that made Remus melt.  
  
"I love you, too."  
  
Unable to find words, Remus simply kissed him again, not knowing or caring whether the tears he suddenly felt on his cheeks were his own or Sirius's.  
  
  
Another Author's Note: Well that's it. I had several reviews about people wanting me to make it into a series, but there was one major thing wrong with that: the story has no plot. You see, when I started writing this, the main plot was just about the relationship blossoming. But if it was a series it would have to have something going on besides that or else it'd get boring after the same old angsty stuff over and over again. I tried making a plot about why Harry and Dumbledore weren't writing, but it didn't fit and took away from my main focus. So I just decided to end it here.  
Okay, now it's review time! Any OOC-ness? Did I overdo the kisses? If so, I apologize. (I was feeling very mushy tonight.)  
Review!!! Please??? Pretty Please with sugar and cherries and gummie bears on top? 


	4. Knife

Author's Note: OK! I give in! I'm weak, too weak to pilot Nataku and to refuse your requests to write Moonlight in Sirius's POV. Warning: lots of Sirius torture ahead. ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters - etc. Don't sue me or I'll have to beat you over the head with sticks. You know how I hate to do that, but I will.  
  
  
He paced about the room like a caged tiger. His mind was reeling, had been ever since three days ago. He couldn't eat or sleep, couldn't concentrate. *Why* hadn't he said something? Why hadn't he *done* something? He'd been so close to telling Remus his true feelings, but as soon as there was the tiniest hint they might be reciprocated, he'd lost his nerve.  
  
* Just like you did when James asked you to be the Secret Keeper. * a nasty voice in the back of his mind said.  
  
Guilt assailed him again. It was all his fault. He should've taken the responsiblilty, not delegated it. No matter how logical it'd seemed at the time for him to play decoy, no matter how well it'd been planned, it all came back to his urging James to switch Secret Keepers.  
  
* I should've at least realized who the real traitor was. *  
  
More guilt. He hated himself for suspecting Remus, for getting Lily and James killed, for making Harry an orphan. He hated himself for not stopping Pettigrew from killing those innocent people in the street, for not getting rid of Pettigrew when he had the chance a year ago.  
  
* Look what happened because I couldn't stop him. Another innocent died, Harry almost did, and Voldemort has regained his power. *  
  
* It's all my fault. I'm worse than a traitor. *  
  
Sirius suddenly became calm. He knew what he was going to do. It was so clear, so easy. He left his ground-floor room and went silently into the kitchen. He opened a drawer and took out a short sharp paring knife. It gleamed in the moonlight that spilled in through the window above the sink. He ran it thouhtfully up and down his fore-arm, feeling the cold sharpness of it. It left a thin trail of blood behind it, a mere scratch. Oh, but he was going to go deeper the next time. Much deeper.  
  
The part of his mind that had kept him sane in Azkaban finally began screaming at him through the haze of hunger and exhaustion that was half-fueling this madness.  
  
* What about Harry? What about Remus? *  
  
* I'll end up killing them just like I've killed all the other people who've ever meant anything to me. *  
  
But the thought made him pause as he lowered the blade again. Then he heard footsteps on the stairs. Shame took him. What if his friends found him here, about to take his own life? they'd know that he was truly weak, truly a coward then. He hastily ducked into a corner of the room, praying that whoever it was didn't turn on the light.  
  
It was Remus. He held his breath as his friend appeared in the stairwell, but the tall lycanthrope moved right past the light switch to the screen door and left silently. Sirius heaved a sigh of relief and crossed to the table. He stood there unceratinly for a moment. He looked down at his wrist. The scratch had already stopped bleeding, but it still stung a bit. He transferred his gaze to the knife in his other hand, then set the weapon down on the table. His sanity had returned to him, however briefly, and he knew he had to talk to Remus.  
  
Outside was bright after being in the dark kitchen for so long. It was easy to follow Remus into the field without being heard. He was called Padfoot for a reason, after all. He'd nearly caught up with Remus when the man stopped suddenly. Thinking he'd been noticed, he halted afew feet away.  
  
* Might as well start talking now. *  
  
"Nice night," he said, then watched as Remus jumped and spun.   
  
* Okay, so I hadn't been noticed, * he thought with an odd flash of humor.  
  
"Yeah, it is," Remus said in a friendly tone but looking uncertain. "Couldn't sleep either?"  
  
"No," he responded, thinking of the knife. "Then I heard you leave and I thought I'd see where you were going. You don't mind, do you?"  
  
"No."  
  
Sirius nodded, coming to stand next to him. He didn't want Remus to see his eyes, so instead of looking at him, he turned his face up to the moon.   
  
The moon. She looked so peaceful, so calming. For tweleve years she'd been surrounded by bars, and still he marveled at her beauty when she was unfettered. Memories from both Azkaban and before tugged at him, connected to the man next to him, to Moony.  
  
"When I was in Azkaban," he began, feeling it necessary that he tell Remus this, "I had a window in my cell. It was very small and high up, and there were bars and spells on it, but it let in the light. Every once in while I would see the moon through it. It made me think of you."  
  
There was a slight pause, and Sirius could feel Remus's sidelong glance.  
  
"I thought of you often when you were in Azkaban."  
  
This statement at once thrilled and hurt Sirius. He snorted.  
  
"Probably cursing my name for betraying Lily and James, and then for killing Pettigrew and all those innocents."  
  
"I could never curse your name," Remus said softly, a strange undertone in his words.  
  
"But you believed I was the traitor."  
  
He screwed up his courage and looked over at his friend. The look in those brown eyes made him long for the knife. He knew he wasn't worthy of that look in anyone's eyes, much less in the eyes of a man who'd been so noble through this all. Remus put an arm around him, surprising him, but he couldn't bear to shrug it off; he knew it'd cause Remus pain.  
  
"At the time I did. But now I know the truth. It wasn't your fault, Siruis," Remus said gently.  
  
* I wish I could believe that. *  
  
He turned away, ashamed. He had tried to convince himself of that, but deep down the truth was etched into his mind.  
  
Remus forcefully turned him back to face him, capturing his eyes again.  
  
"It wasn't your fault."  
  
He could only shake his head numbly and try to look away, but Remus was holding his cheek so he couldn't.  
  
"It wasn't your fault."  
  
Remus sounded so sure, and his eyes were so filled with empathy and offered comfort, if he would only take it. He wanted to believe what his friend was saying with utter conviction, but his demons were toying with him again. He wrenched himself out of Remus's grip and began to run away. The knife. It would give him relief. He didn't want to have to deal with the battle in his head. But something was happening, some great upheaval. He couldn't keep it within himself anymore. He stopped, and bit back a wail of anguish.  
  
* I won't cry. I won't cry in front of him, I won't let him see how weak I am, how scared... *  
  
"Damn you, Remus." His shoulders shook in the effort to contain himself.  
  
He felt himself being seized by wirey strong arms. He clung to Remus unashamedly, letting his emotions pour out into the night. In Azkaban he'd treasured what emotions he had, held them close to him for fear that if he let them go his sense of self would leave with them. Now the longer he held them the closer he came to loosing himself to the madness. So he let them go, because Remus was there to help, to calm, to sooth, as the moon had soothed him in Azkaban. Slowly, he felt himself being purged, he felt his mind beginning to accept Remus's insistent whispers that it wasn't his fault. The desire for the knife melted away.  
  
Finally he felt calm enough to pull away. He met Remus's eyes and saw love and comfort. He wanted them both. But he had to say something first, before he said everything alse he wanted to.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Remus looked crestfallen but gave a sad smile that nearly broke Sirius's heart.  
  
"What are *friends* for?"  
  
That hurt to hear, the bitter, disappointed way it sounded. The smile was exactly like the one he'd worn three nights ago when he left the kitchen. Now he was trying to leave again. Sirius knew that if he let him go they'd never have another chance. He did the first thing that came to mind: he pulled Remus to him and kissed him. But the kiss was strange, Remus was rigid in his arms. He let go quickly, his heart sinking.  
  
* Stupid! Stupid stupid stupid! *  
  
"I'm sorry - I thought - I - you - " he said, cursing himself. He felt his face get hot. "I wasn't thinking - "  
  
He stopped as Remus brushed his lips with a trembling finger. His love leaned in, hypnotising him.  
  
"It's all right," he said huskily.  
  
"I-it is?" he asked, hardly daring to believe.  
  
He was silenced by a kiss. Remus became his world. It was heady and sweet, chaste yet somehow passionate. He tentatively let his hands rest on the man's hips, and felt Remus wrap his arms around his neck. Finally they had to break away to breath.  
  
"I love you," Remus said, then looked shocked and shamed that he'd said it.  
  
Sirius's heart leapt higher than he had thought possible at those words, but was saddened that Remus obvoiusly thought he didn't return the sentiment. He cupped the lycanthropic man's cheek to keep him from turning away. He let the joy he felt shine through to his face as he smiled at him.  
  
"I love you, too."  
  
Remus's face was the likeness of joy as he kissed Sirius again.  
  
* Damn him. I'm crying. *  
  
  
Yet Another Author's Note: Okay folks. What do you think? If it's not as good as the other one, don't blame me, you guys asked for it! ^_^ Anywho, I had fun writing it, angst is fun. I hope everyone was really depressed until the last bit. ^_^  
  
(P.S. If you don't get the Nataku thing in the first author's note, don't worry about it. To those who did get it, WuFei rocks! Gumdam Wing rocks! Woohoo!)  
  
Review? Please? Pretty please with ice cream and chocolate sauce and strawberries and sprinkles on top? 


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